Community Service
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: A new initiative to re-integrate the Arkham inmates into society sees the Joker, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy all performing community service at the Iceberg Lounge, under the watchful eye of the Penguin. What could possibly go wrong? Thanks to xQEAx for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Community Service**

Dr. Joan Leland sat down for lunch with a huge sigh of relief. It had been a very stressful morning, but that wasn't unusual in Arkham Asylum, and as head doctor, she was the one everyone complained to when things got rough, which they always did.

So far this morning, Dr. Leland had had to mediate an argument between Jervis Tetch and Poison Ivy – the former had expressed a desire to paint the white roses in the Arkham Gardens red, while the latter had accused him of premeditating murder by suffocation and lead-poisoning. And by mediate an argument, she actually meant trying to shout over Ivy's furious ranting while she struggled to escape from the restraint of the guards and beat Tetch into a pulp. In the end, a sedative was necessary – reasonable discussion never worked with these particular inmates.

On top of which, Two-Face had got into a fight with Riddler. And what that meant was that Two-Face had beaten Riddler almost to the point of unconsciousness before the guards could drag him off him. When Dr. Leland had demanded the reason for the outburst, while still trying to keep Nygma breathing while they rushed him to the infirmary, Two-Face had snarled that Nygma had tried to explain to him that probability was a random science at best, and any person who put his faith in a coin toss was an idiot. Then Two-Face had asked what the probability of Riddler getting his ass kicked was, Riddler had responded with fifty-fifty, Two-Face had flipped the coin, and it had landed good side up. Then Two-Face explained to Riddler that in this case, the probability was one-hundred percent, since good and bad side both told him to kick Riddler's ass.

But now it was lunch time, the hour break Dr. Leland got between her constant day of madness, and one of the few things keeping her sane in this nuthouse, she thought, unwrapping her steaming lunch from the paper. And now she was intent on devouring a nice, greasy Philly cheesesteak. To hell with the diet.

She had just raised the sandwich to her lips when another alarm blared, and a guard burst into her office. "Dr. Leland, it's the Joker, he's…"

"About to get punched in the face!" roared Dr. Leland, slamming down the sandwich as she stormed out of the room. "I do not need this on my lunch hour!"

They arrived in the Joker's cell to see him holding Jonathan Crane's head down the toilet and flushing repeatedly while chuckling madly to himself. "Joker, let go of him now!" shouted Dr. Leland, shoving him away. "Why on earth are you picking on him?!"

" _Me_ picking on _him_?" said Joker innocently, looking shocked. "He started it, Doc! I'm the victim here, and I'm only acting in self-defense!"

"Sure you are," said Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Are you all right, Jonathan?" she asked as Crane slowly got to his feet, sputtering and wiping his face with his sleeve.

"I'm fine," he growled, glaring at Joker. "It's not the first time my head's been flushed down the toilet."

"Probably won't be the last either, eh, nerd boy?" chuckled Joker.

"How did this start?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"Told you, his fault," said Joker, nodding at Crane.

"It was not!" snapped Crane. "He started it, as usual, by trying to be so goddamn funny all the time! He…has an audio recording of…of Harley in the throes of…in the middle of…at the peak of…um…at her…sexual climax," he whispered, flushing red. "Which he's hidden in my cell somewhere, and every so often he'll just play it, when I'm trying to work or read or sleep and…it's most distracting. So I came here to confront him and demand him to tell me where he's hidden it, and you saw the result."

"He threatened me, Doc," said Joker, shrugging. "What was I supposed to do, just tell him where I've hidden it? Where's the fun in that?"

"Joker, it's not funny to irritate people like that," retorted Dr. Leland. "Just tell us where it is."

Joker shook his head. "Nope, nope, nope, don't want to. Haven't had enough of the look on Craney's face when I set it off, and he hears what he'll never bring a woman to!"

Crane raised a fist which Dr. Leland intercepted. "I'm not dealing with another fight today!" she shouted. "Guards, go to Crane's cell and find that recording. I will deal with this situation after lunch. You may think you're brave to fight Batman, Joker, but when you come between a woman on a diet and her Philly cheesesteak, you really take your life into your hands," she growled.

She stormed back to her office, sitting back down and picking up the sandwich again. And then the telephone rang.

"Not now!" she snapped, picking up the receiver and then instantly hanging up. Her secretary popped her head in.

"Uh…sorry to interrupt, Dr. Leland, but that's the mayor on the phone for you."

Dr. Leland felt her free hand curl into a fist as she put down the sandwich and picked up the telephone. "Mr. Mayor, what a pleasure to hear from you!" she said, in a falsely pleasant tone.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Leland – I hope I'm not interrupting anything?" asked the Mayor.

"No, no, nothing important," said Dr. Leland, looking longingly at the cheesesteak.

"I trust you're having a quiet day."

"Oh yes, all fine here," lied Dr. Leland. "The patients are on their best behavior today."

"I'm glad to hear it," he said. "I just wanted to let you know that the city council's just approved another initiative to re-integrate the Arkham inmates into functioning, productive members of society."

"Oh, great," said Dr. Leland, in what she hoped wasn't too sarcastic a tone. "Those always end well."

"This one should," said the mayor. "It's going to be supervised by Mr. Cobblepot. A former rogue should be able to keep his fellows in line, don't you think?"

"I don't think anybody can keep the Joker in line," sighed Dr. Leland. "But what's the initiative?"

"Mr. Cobblepot has expressed an interest in employing his fellow rogues to perform community service at the Iceberg Lounge," explained the mayor. "The belief is that once the lunatics see how rewarding giving back to the community is, and once they feel that they're really making a difference in it, their desire to harm said community will gradually decrease, and hopefully eventually disappear altogether."

"O…K," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "That seems…far-fetched."

"Frankly, Dr. Leland, we're running out of ideas for curing these people at this point," sighed the mayor. "And we're really desperate to try anything, even those that seem a little unorthodox."

"Did Mr. Cobblepot express a preference for which lunatics he'd like to employ?" asked Dr. Leland.

"He said to leave it to your discretion," replied the mayor. "He'll take three of your choosing."

"Three," repeated Dr. Leland. "All right, Mr. Mayor, I'll think about it and get back to you."

She hung up the telephone and picked up her sandwich again as she thought. "Now who's been pushing my buttons today?" she murmured, taking a bite out of the cheesesteak. "And deserves a little lesson in humility by performing community service?"

She finished her sandwich, and then pressed the intercom. "Ann? Could you send in Joker, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy? I have a little job for them."

That would teach them to start trouble, she thought. She only hoped Oswald Cobblepot was prepared for them.


	2. Chapter 2

"Gotta say, Oswald, when Dr. Leland told us about this whole community service gag, I didn't expect that it would include a trip to the old tailor's," commented the Joker, as he, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, and the Penguin all climbed out of the car in front of Francois's shop.

"It is essential that the people who represent me are as well dressed as my good self," said Penguin. "And it's nothing but the best for me."

"As a woman, I won't say no to a free outfit," said Ivy. "But I still object to this whole idea. I don't understand why I'm being punished for preventing a murder."

"And I don't see why I'm being punished for kicking around Nygma," agreed Two-Face. "That little runt mouthed off to me, and he deserved what he got."

"And nobody in Arkham can take a joke," muttered Joker. "Especially not that straw-for-brains Scarecrow."

He giggled suddenly, withdrawing a device from his pocket and pressing a button. "What's that?" asked Two-Face.

"Sets off the recording of Harley being revved up that I hid in Johnny's cell," chuckled Joker. "They think they found it, but that was just a decoy. And when we get back, I'm gonna improve the whole gag by recording Harley saying 'Oh, Professor!' at her climax. That'll really get him hot under the collar!" he giggled.

"Why would Harley ever say that?" asked Ivy.

"Ain't you ever heard of role-play, Weed Lady?" demanded Joker. "You must have – that's the only way Harvey here must have been able to tolerate doing you, by pretending you were someone else."

"Screw you, jerk!" shouted Ivy, raising a fist.

"No, no, no, no fighting!" snapped Penguin, grabbing her arm. "Let's just all calm down and be civil. Visiting a haberdashery is nothing if not a civil pursuit."

"What would you even role-play as a professor of?" asked Two-Face, as they entered the shop.

Joker shrugged. "Professor of Fun, I guess. They must give degrees in that. If they don't, Professor Joker's gonna be the first of his kind!"

"I had never imagined _Monsieur_ Joker as the intellectual type," commented a familiar voice, as Francois emerged from the back of his shop. "He always struck me more as a man of action than a man of quiet contemplation. And I sincerely doubt he has turned over a new leaf – it would be such a tragedy to break a great comic tradition. Besides, there is no joke in that, and _Monsieur_ Joker lives for his jokes."

"Aw, Frankie, you know me too well!" chuckled Joker, patting him on the back. "How ya doing, buddy? It's been too long! Still gay?"

"Uh…yes," said Francois, slowly. "It is not something that goes away with time, like a disease."

"Wouldn't know, not gay myself," chuckled Joker. "But it sounds kinda like a disease to me, and a damn unfortunate one too. Pammie here is always complaining about how there are no decent guys out there, so it must be really hard for you to find any."

"Actually, I am currently seeing a very nice young man," replied Francois.

"It's not the hat guy, is it?" asked Joker. "Can't be, because you described him as young."

" _Monsieur_ Tetch is not gay," said Francois. "But if you see him, please tell him the pastel fabric samples he ordered have come in, and I need him to decide between lilac, rose pink, or baby blue for his new suit."

"Yeah, sure, he ain't gay!" laughed Joker.

"People wearing violet suits really shouldn't point fingers," said Ivy.

"This is purple, Pammie!" snapped Joker. "Purple, are you blind?! It's a royal color, befitting the Clown Prince of Crime."

"What may I help you all with today?" asked Francois, trying to diffuse the tension in the air.

"These three will be representing the Cobblepot name at the Iceberg Lounge, and I need them suitably dressed to do so," said Penguin. "Money is no object."

"Ah, my four favorite English words," said Francois with a smile. "Ladies first, then."

"No ladies here!" laughed Joker. Ivy slapped him and then followed Francois over to the dressing room, where he made his measurements.

"So what's the scheme, Pengers?" asked Joker, turning to him. "This whole community service gag – what have you really got up your sleeve?"

"No scheme, Joker," replied Penguin. "I'm just using this re-integration idea in order to provide myself with some free employees whom I don't have to pay. I've had to fire most of my waiting and kitchen staff because they've been demanding pay rises. They needed to learn they can't extort Oswald Cobblepot."

"But you just said money was no object," said Joker.

"It isn't," retorted Penguin. "It's the principle of the thing, Joker. I can't expect a man like you to understand that."

"I kinda thought slavery was illegal," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin repeatedly in annoyance.

"It is. This is community service, not slavery," retorted Penguin.

"If I ain't getting paid for the work I do, it's slavery," retorted Two-Face. "Coulda had you shut down for that in court back in the day. Coulda had your whole operation crushed," he said, catching the coin in his fist.

"Yes, well, you're not DA now, are you, Harvey?" said Penguin. "Get over it."

"Community service, slavery, they're just words for the same thing," said Joker, waving his hand. "And that thing is opportunity."

"How the hell do you define slavery as opportunity?" demanded Two-Face.

"What, you can't see any opportunities presenting themselves by us working at the Iceberg Lounge?" asked Joker. "We could poison the food with Joker toxin! We could fill the lake with Joker fish! We could…"

"You're not doing anything of the kind!" interrupted Penguin. "I won't allow you to ruin my business and terrorize my customers! You will all three be heavily and constantly supervised during your time in my employ, to see that you're not up to anything underhanded."

"Aw, take all the fun outta life!" sniffed Joker. "Anyway, nobody's ever managed to successfully police my fun, not even Batsy! I'll find a way around your little supervision."

"I doubt it," said Penguin, with a smile. "But of course I'm not giving away my secret as to how I'm supervising you. But put one toe out of line, Joker, and you'll get a very unpleasant surprise."

"Idle threats don't scare me, Pengers," retorted Joker. "You do your worst."

"I will," agreed Penguin.

"J, you're up," said Ivy, appearing from behind the curtain.

"Oooh, my favorite part!" chuckled Joker. "Don't go getting any ideas, Frankie, just because you get to feel me up with the tape measure! I'm spoken for!"

"He sure is," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned to see Harley Quinn standing there, gazing at the Joker dreamily.

"Pumpkin pie!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "What are you doing here?"

"Dr. Leland said this community service gig was a long-term thing," said Harley, shrugging. "And I wasn't about to spend any length of time away from my puddin'. So I busted outta the nuthouse and followed you here. If Mr. J's doing community service, I'm doing community service too."

"No, you're not!" retorted Penguin, glaring at her. "I said three inmates, and Dr. Leland has given me three! You're superfluous to my needs, and I'm certainly not paying for you to get a new set of clothes too!"

"Look, Cobblefeathers, I ain't being parted from Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Where he goes, I go, get me?!"

"Not on my property, you don't!" snapped Penguin. "And you take that tone with me again, young lady, and you'll be barred from the Iceberg Lounge for life! Nobody orders me around!"

"Yeah, you try to bar me, Squabblepot!" snapped Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "You can't keep me away from him! Anyway, I woulda thought you'd be grateful for another volunteer…"

"No, I know perfectly well that if I put both you and the clown together in the Iceberg Lounge, no work will get done!" snapped Penguin. "You'll either be disturbing my guests with your childish pranks, or traumatizing them with your graphic acts of an adult nature!"

"He's got a point, pooh," agreed Joker. "That does usually happen when we're together. Not that I'm complaining about either of those things!" he giggled.

Harley glared at Penguin. "So that's the way it's gonna be, huh?" she demanded. "You wanna play hardball, do ya?"

"I want you to go away!" snapped Penguin. "And if I see your trouble-making face anyway near the Iceberg Lounge, I'll have Batman there quicker than you can say 'bullying vigilante!'"

"Fine!" snapped Harley. "You asked for it, bird-brain! Nobody keeps me from my Mr. J, and I'll make you pay for trying to, you hear me?! This ain't over! Good day!" she snapped, turning on her heel and storming toward the door. Then she turned back.

"Good luck with the new job, Red and Harvey!" she said, beaming and waving at them. "Good to see you again, Frankie! Love you, puddin'!" she purred, blowing a kiss at Joker. Then she turned and stormed off.

"That little minx better not even think about causing trouble," growled Penguin, lighting the cigarette in his holder. "I won't have my business put at risk by that useless brat. No offense, Joker."

"Oh, no arguments here!" laughed Joker. "She _is_ a useless brat, most of the time, anyway. But sometimes she really makes her Daddy proud," he giggled, staring after her. "And I got a real good feeling that this is gonna be one of those times."


	3. Chapter 3

"I didn't even know the Iceberg Lounge had rooms in it," commented Poison Ivy, as the Penguin opened the door to a large suite of rooms on the second floor of the building. "I kinda thought it was just a bar."

"These are exclusive premises for my particularly important guests," said Penguin.

"Ah. Hookers?" guessed Joker.

"…no," retorted Penguin. "Business associates not local to Gotham, usually. And on the occasional night when I have to work late, they serve as suitable rooms for myself. But I think it best that you all three stay together here so I can keep an eye on you."

"Oooh, supervillain sleepover!" giggled Joker. "I love it!"

"All three of us in a confined space?" asked Two-Face. "That's not gonna end well."

"Particularly as there appears to be only one bed," commented Ivy, opening the door to the bedroom.

"It's a double bed – I thought two of you could share, and one on the sofa," said Penguin, nodding. "It's quite comfortable."

Joker, Two-Face, and Ivy all shared a look, and then Joker sighed. "Ok, Harv, I guess it's you and me in the bed…"

"Are you nuts?" demanded Ivy.

"Yeah, I ain't sharing a bed with you, J," said Two-Face. "It's not even the gay rumors that would bother me – it's the fact that I don't trust you not to do something supremely annoying in the middle of the night like randomly punching me or blowing an airhorn in my face because you think it'd be funny."

"Well, the Weed Lady can't share with either of us! Her and her man-eating ways - there's no way she'd be able to keep her hands off two attractive guys like us!" said Joker. "And I doubt Pengers would approve of any hanky-panky going on!"

"I don't actually care what you get up to," replied Penguin.

"Well, _I_ do!" exclaimed Joker. "I got a girlfriend!"

"J, if I was dying from a disease that could only be cured by sleeping with you, I'd take death," retorted Ivy.

"Nah, I don't think you would if it came down to it," said Joker, shaking his head. "Because who'd save your precious plants then? Anyway, I don't wanna be subjected to your and Harvey's hanky-panky if I'm stuck on the sofa."

"It'd only be fair after how many times you've subjected us to your and Harley's," retorted Two-Face. "But, y'know, some of us can show restraint, J."

"The Weed Lady can't," snapped Joker.

"I can, or I'd have snapped your neck ages ago," said Ivy, nodding.

"You'll have to sort it out amongst yourselves," said Penguin. "I'll leave you to it, and expect you downstairs ready for work bright and early tomorrow at 6 AM sharp."

"6 AM?!" repeated Joker, incredulous. "This place doesn't even open until lunchtime!"

"And there's a lot of work to do before then," agreed Penguin, nodding. "You'll need to clean out the ovens and deep-fryers, wash all the dishes, and prepare some menu items that can be heated in time for lunch. Add that to the general cleaning and tidying that needs to be done in the restaurant itself, plus feeding the seals and penguins in the lake, and you should have plenty to keep you busy in time for opening."

"Aw, screw this!" shouted Joker, heading for the window. "Thanks for getting us outta Arkham, Pengers, but my gratitude don't extend to slaving away for you in your craphole of a restaurant! I'm outta here!"

"No, you're not," said Penguin quietly, and Joker suddenly froze, hand outstretched toward the window.

Penguin smiled, and then removed his top hat. "A little gift from our mutual friend, the Mad Hatter," he said, holding up his hat. "I have complete control over your free will. You're not going anywhere I don't want you to, or doing anything I don't want you to. And I'm telling you to confine yourselves to these rooms until 6 AM tomorrow morning when you will head downstairs to await further instructions. Good evening to you," he said, heading off and shutting the door behind him.

Joker began patting himself down. "Where's the chip?" he demanded. "There's gotta be a chip! Hatty can't control us without having planted something on us!"

"Actually, he can," growled Two-Face, glumly. "The little runt was bragging about how he's been perfecting his devices – he don't even need those hat cards anymore. The mind control device is so strong that only the person controlling needs any kinda physical device – all other minds act as a kinda natural receiver of his latest frequency, so he can control anyone he wants anytime he wants."

"Nobody controls my mind!" shouted Joker. "Nobody! I'm too wild and crazy to ever be controlled!"

"Then break outta here," said Ivy. "Go on, J. I could use a good laugh."

Joker glared at her. "Maybe I don't wanna," he said. "Maybe I wanna get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and help Pengers clean and set up his stupid restaurant. Maybe there's some kinda joke in that."

"Like what?" asked Two-Face.

"I dunno!" snapped Joker. "But I'll think of one! There's gotta be one!"

He sat down on the sofa glumly, head in his hands. And then he brightened suddenly. "Wait! Harley's still out there!"

"Yeah. So?" demanded Two-Face.

"So the little minx can help us out!" chuckled Joker, reaching for his phone.

"I don't see how," said Ivy. "We were ordered to stay in these rooms. She can't bust us outta here or anything – we won't be able to go with her."

"You are so small-minded, Weed Lady," sighed Joker, dialing a number. "One door shuts in your face and you just throw in the towel and give up rather than figuring out a creative solution around the door. See, this is why your plants will never take over the world – you don't have the determination. Pumpkin pie, guess who this is?" he asked, beaming.

"Whatever – I'm going to bed," muttered Ivy. "If I have to get up for 6 tomorrow, I need my beauty sleep. You coming, Harvey?"

"Yeah," muttered Two-Face, following her into the bedroom. "You think they're gonna figure something out?" he asked, nodding at the closed door behind which Joker was still talking.

"You can put your faith in the clowns if you want, but I'm not gonna," said Ivy.

"So you're gonna just go along with this community service degradation?" asked Two-Face.

"I don't have a choice for now," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, maybe it won't be so bad. At least we're outta Arkham."

"Yeah, but we're being forced into slavery," growled Two-Face. "It really winds me up."

"Just flip your little coin, Harvey," sighed Ivy, climbing into bed. "Heads, you go along with this. Tails, you go make some futile plans with J."

Two-Face nodded, flipping the coin into the air. It landed good side up and he shrugged, climbing into bed next to her. "Night, Pam," he said, turning off the lights.

They lay in the darkness to hear Joker talking and laughing from the other room. And then they heard a different sound.

"No," muttered Two-Face. "Oh no."

"Not over the phone!" exclaimed Ivy. "What kinda sick freaks still have phone sex?! That's so last decade!"

"It being outdated ain't my problem with it," growled Two-Face, pulling the pillow over his head. "I'm trying to sleep here!"

Ivy stood up, banging on the door. "J! Shut up and get off the phone!"

"Why doncha come in here and make me, toots?" snapped Joker.

"I'm not gonna make you – I'm not gonna open this door in case you have it out!" shouted Ivy. "But I will if you don't put a lid on it!"

"Challenge accepted, Plant Lady!" snapped Joker. "Go on, pooh, you were saying? Oooh, with a rubber chicken? That's naughtier than the whoopie cushion, pumpkin pie! Oh yeah, baby! Pop that can o'snakes!"

"As if the slave labor ain't bad enough, we gotta be traumatized on top of it," muttered Two-Face as Ivy shuddered and then climbed back into bed.

"Swear to God, I'm gonna find something to scald him with tomorrow," she muttered, pulling her own pillow over her head. "Just you wait and see."


	4. Chapter 4

"Good morning, everyone! Glad to see you all so eager and alert this fine day!" exclaimed the Penguin, beaming at Joker, Ivy, and Two-Face, who had all assembled in the Iceberg Lounge at 6 AM as ordered. They were anything but eager and alert, however. The phrase 'rise and shine' was abhorrent to most of the Arkham inmates, because as the old adage states, 'Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.' The Arkham inmates being none of those things, it would naturally follow that they didn't heed the old adage.

"You're not a comedian, y'know, Pengers," growled Two-Face. "Leave the jokes to J."

"I'm too tired to make jokes right now," muttered Joker, rubbing his eyes. "Harley kept me up all night with the phone sex. Kept me up as in awake, and up as a sexual innuendo…you get it, do your own joke," he said, yawning and waving his hand.

"Well, we certainly can't have you distracted at work by telephone calls," said Penguin, holding out his hand. "Give me your phone."

Joker glared at him, but couldn't resist the command. "From this moment on, everyone, you have no free will of your own," announced Penguin. "You will follow my orders to the letter, and will only heed my commands or any commands given to you by my customers, for waiting purposes. The rest of the time, you will sit quietly and calmly in the kitchen, awaiting further instructions. Now, do I have any volunteers for the jobs? We're going to do a deep clean now, but I'll need a waiter, a cook, and a dishwasher once we open. So who wants to do what?"

Nobody said a word. "All right, I'll decide for you," said Penguin. "Pamela, if you'll be the dishwasher…"

"You sexist pig!" snapped Ivy. "What, I'm a woman, so I've gotta be confined to the kitchen, is that it? Doing the most mindless, tedious task because my female brain can't handle remembering orders or cooking meals, is that it?"

"Actually, I was thinking you wouldn't want to cook because you'd have to mutilate plants," retorted Penguin. "And you're far too attractive to be a waitress – you'd distract my customers from their meals."

"At least I'd bring in business!" snapped Ivy.

"My business is doing just fine!" retorted Penguin. "It doesn't need your feminine wiles to spice it up! This is a classy place, not Hooters, for goodness sake!"

"So who's gonna be your waiter?" asked Two-Face.

"Oooh, pick me!" said Joker, shooting his hand up. "I can't cook anyway – that's why I keep Harley around."

"She can't cook either," retorted Two-Face.

"No," agreed Joker. "But it's her job as a woman to be good at that. I can't help it that she's a failure as a woman. That's her problem, not mine."

Penguin sighed. "Can you cook, Harvey?" he asked.

Two-Face shrugged. "I can make a fairly decent stab at it. Women like a man who can cook for his dates."

"Women like a man who's not a slave to established gender roles that chain women to the oven," muttered Ivy. "Or the kitchen sink."

"Oooh, can I chain Pammie to the oven?" asked Joker, shooting his hand up again. "Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top?"

"It's a metaphor, you idiot!" retorted Ivy. "To symbolize the power of the patriarchy!"

"Nobody's chaining anybody anywhere!" snapped Penguin. "You three are going to get to work right now! J, you're cleaning out the grease-traps on the fryer, Ivy, you're doing the dishes, and Harvey, you're setting out the places for lunch. Everyone get to it!"

The three set off reluctantly with much grumbling. "I can't believe I'm going to spend all day doing dishes," muttered Ivy. "That's gonna wreak havoc on my skin!"

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie – I thought plants liked a good watering!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, I'll happily swap morning jobs if you wanna get all greased up. I know Harvey would enjoy that!" he giggled.

"Actually, being a greaseball yourself, J, I think the work suits you more," retorted Ivy. "You'll feel right at home."

"I've been to enough fancy restaurants that I should be able to visualize how to set tables," said Two-Face. "But I can't, so I'll just have to improvise."

Penguin went over to go sort out the menus, and examine the selection of liquor at the bar, leaving the other three to work in the kitchens. Not even five minutes later, he heard shouting and screaming and crashing from the kitchen.

He rushed in to see Ivy and Joker hurling dishes and blobs of grease at each other. "Stop, stop, stop!" roared Penguin. "I thought I ordered you to work!"

"Yeah, we're doing what you told us," retorted Joker. "I'm cleaning out the grease-traps and throwing what I cleaned out at the Weed Lady."

"And I'm cleaning dishes by breaking them on J's face!" shrieked Ivy, raising a plate above her head. Penguin caught her arm, livid.

"I command both of you not to attack each other as long as you're on my premises!" he squawked. They both lowered their arms, glaring at each other.

"Ok, but we're still gonna insult each other," retorted Joker. "Insulting ain't attacking – it's just stating facts."

Penguin sighed. "Pamela, clean the dishes by washing and rinsing them in soapy water. J, clean out the grease-traps and dispose of the waste in the waste disposal system! Honestly, you wouldn't think I'd even need to order you to do the obvious…" he muttered, storming from the kitchen and re-entering the main dining area where Two-Face was setting the tables.

"Um…they don't need two tablecloths," said Penguin, noticing that Two-Face had placed two on every table. "And they don't need…two of every utensil. Or dish. Or candle…"

"I just like the symmetry," muttered Two-Face.

"I suppose I could always pretend we had salad forks and regular forks, plus soup spoons and regular spoons, and cheese knives and regular knives…yes, on second thought, this can only add to the classiness of my establishment," said Penguin, smiling. "Good work, Harvey. You've earned your toilet break when you need one," he said, patting him on the shoulder and heading off to the bar.

"How generous," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes. He headed back to the kitchen to get more dishes to see Ivy and Joker engaged in their separate tasks, glaring down at them as if imagining the other's face in the object in front of them. Ivy was holding a plate under the water and scrubbing a little too hard, while Joker was scraping the grease off with deep, slow scratches.

"How's it coming?" he asked. "I just earned my bathroom break."

"He'd better give us all one, or I'm going on the food," retorted Joker.

"Thanks for the image, J," growled Ivy. "And no, you're not, because I'll be the one who has to clean it up."

"How are we getting out of this one?" asked Two-Face, hastily changing the subject as he collected double the amount of napkins he would usually need. "Has Harley got a plan, J?"

"Don't wanna spoil the surprise, Harv," retorted Joker. "But let's just say I don't intend to spend another morning cleaning out grease-traps. Although I'm kinda looking forward to tonight," he said, turning to grin at him. "If waiter Joker can't pull a few gags on a few guests, he might as well be dead! Just like the guests might be after they're served by waiter Joker!"

Two-Face left the kitchen and reached into his pocket for his coin. "Good side, tell Cobblepot that J and Harley have some chaos planned for tonight. Bad side, leave him to find out for himself."

He flipped the coin into the air. It landed bad side up, and Two-Face shrugged, pocketing it again. "Serves him right for using slave labor," he muttered, heading back toward the restaurant.


	5. Chapter 5

"Gotta say, for a slave outfit, this is pretty snazzy," said Joker, examining his new waiter uniform just before the restaurant opened that afternoon. "A lot better than the one Harley makes me wear. I mean…the one I make Harley wear," he added, hastily. "She's got like a gold bikini one, like in _Star Wars_ , and mine…doesn't exist. Though lemme tell ya, leather is not comfortable – I don't know how the Cat Lady wears it on a regular basis."

"Too much information, J," growled Two-Face, examining his own uniform. "But you can always trust Francois for style and fit, I'll give him that."

"Yeah, but nobody's even gonna see how good I look," sighed Ivy, glaring around the kitchen where they all three waited for Penguin's orders. "It's a crime to keep me locked up in the kitchen when I look this good. Plus it's holding feminism back hundreds of years."

"Oh, everything's holding feminism back hundreds of years," retorted Joker. "Is there anything you crazy feminist types won't jump on? I'll bet next you're gonna claim it's unfeminist for Harley to dedicate her life to serving me, aren't ya?"

"Of course it is!" snapped Ivy. "Keeping women enslaved in the service of men is the opposite of feminism!"

"Speaking of Harley, you sure you won't let us in on the plan, J?" asked Two-Face, trying to keep the peace as usual.

"What plan?" asked Joker.

"The plan…you and Harley have for getting us all outta here," said Two-Face, slowly.

"We don't have a plan," said Joker, shrugging. "We're improvisers, Harv! She'll do her thing, and I'll do mine, and we're sure to have some fun and frolics! We always have before!"

"I would feel better if there was a plan," growled Two-Face.

"And that's why you never have any fun, Harv," sighed Joker, shaking his head. "You're too afraid to improvise. You've gotta consult your little coin about everything, so you're a slave to routine. And nobody's happy as a slave. Well, except me right now, because I'm always happy no matter what!" he chuckled.

"Right, we're open!" announced Penguin, heading into the kitchen. "J, get out there and start waiting on people, and Harvey, start cooking the orders J brings back. Pamela, you can take a break for now, until Joker starts clearing away the dishes," said Penguin, nodding at her.

"Gee, thanks," said Ivy, rolling her eyes, as Joker and Penguin left, and Two-Face headed toward the refrigerator. Ivy watched him rummage through the ingredients, and then said bluntly, as he removed some fresh herbs, "You're not cooking with those."

"Uh…yeah, I am," retorted Two-Face. "And probably a lotta other plants, Pammie, so if you just wanna look away…"

"Isn't it enough that they've been cut down in the prime of their life and then frozen to death to prevent their decay without you now chopping them up and frying them?" demanded Ivy. "What kinda heartless monster are you, Harvey, doing that to my babies?!"

"Look, Pam, they're already dead," said Two-Face. "Anyway, I can't not do what Penguin said, and he told me to cook the orders."

"He didn't say you had to cook them with all the ingredients," said Ivy. "C'mon, Harvey, please try to cut out the plants. For me," she said, smiling at him.

Two-Face growled, but put the herbs back in the refrigerator. "What if we get any vegetarians in?" he asked.

"Sucks to be them," replied Ivy, casually, sitting back and filing her nails with a carving knife. "And it serves them right for choosing to devour poor, innocent plants over vicious, evil animals."

Meanwhile, the Joker was going from table to table to introduce himself as the waiting staff, a gesture which made most people hurry to their feet and head for the door.

"Stop driving away my business!" snapped Penguin from his place at the front of the restaurant.

"Sorry, Pengers – I can't help that your customers are a suspicious bunch," said Joker, shrugging. "Who wouldn't trust me, after all? I got a nice, honest face, and if you can't trust a celebrity, who can you trust? And speaking of celebrities, isn't that Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle? Yoo hoo, pussy pie!" he called, waving at Selina who had just now entered the Iceberg Lounge on Bruce's arm. Her face fell when she saw the Joker.

"What's he doing here?" she demanded of Penguin.

"Community service," retorted Penguin. "Joker is my current waiting staff."

"Well, then I can see why you need just him working the place," commented Selina, looking around at the empty tables.

"C'mon, Selina, let's go," said Bruce, trying to pull her away.

"Why? You think I'm scared of Joker?" demanded Selina.

"Er…no, but I don't particularly want to…eat in an establishment that employs criminals," muttered Bruce.

"How very hypocritical of you, Mr. Wayne," snapped Penguin. "You donate millions of your enterprise's funds to rehabilitation treatment for the inmates of Arkham, and then when they're put into practice, you refuse to participate in them. Wait until I inform the newspapers – they'll have a field day with this one."

Bruce glared from Penguin to Selina, and then sighed heavily. "All right, Cobblepot. Table for two, please."

"Right this way, Mr. Wayne," said Penguin, showing them to a table. "Joker, please light the candles. The candles and nothing else!" he snapped, as Joker's cigarette lighter crept closer to Selina's hair.

"Have a very pleasant meal," said Penguin, forcing a smile as he handed them two menus and returned to the front of the restaurant.

"So, pussy pooh, you've downgraded, huh?" asked Joker. "From the Bat to the braindead beefcake. No offense, pal," he said, smiling at Bruce. "But if I were pussykins, I know which one I'd rather date."

"Thank God you're not," retorted Bruce. "For a couple of reasons," he muttered.

"Frankly, Joker, my relationships aren't any of your business," retorted Selina.

"They are when they might hurt my pal Bats," said Joker. "Does he know you've dumped him, or are you two-timing him? Got a duty as his buddy to tell him if you are, y'know, even if it might break his little Bat-heart and leave him curled up crying in a corner of his little Batcave. But then a guy like him probably bounces back pretty quick from relationships, the same way he does from deathtraps, huh? Doesn't let being almost killed get him down – just gets back out there in search of new ways to die. Gotta admire that, really…"

"J, why don't you spare us the rambling and just write your love confessions to Batman down in your secret diary instead?" interrupted Selina. "Just do your job and take our order, huh?"

"Hey, I'm being friendly and personable, like all waiters should be!" snapped Joker. "Asking about your lives, making chit-chat, and I'm expecting a damn good tip for it too!"

"We'll have to see how good a job you do, won't we, Bruce?" asked Selina. "Mr. Wayne is a very generous tipper for a job well done, as you might imagine."

"Oh, is that why you're with him?" asked Joker. "He tips you for sex, like a hooker?"

"I'm not a hooker," growled Selina.

"Good, because Pengers would probably throw you outta his restaurant if you were," said Joker, nodding. "He's always going on about how he wants this place to be classy, and it can't very well be classy if it caters to some rent-a-pussy. Cat," he added, smiling at her.

Selina smiled back. "J, you got something on your tie."

"I ain't falling for that one, kitty!" chuckled Joker. "Oldest trick in the book, having a guy look down and then punching him in the…"

He gasped in pain as Selina punched him in the crotch. "Face!" he gasped. "It's meant to be the face!"

"I don't do gags, J – I just hit people where it hurts most," said Selina lightly, looking back down at her menu. "Now get me the tuna and a glass of warm milk."

"Sounds like cat-food to me!" chuckled Joker, recovering quickly. "What about you, Brucie? How are the dead parents?"

"Uh…still dead," retorted Bruce, slowly. "Could I have the tomato and chili soup, please?"

Joker shook his head, clicking his tongue. "Weed Lady's not gonna like that. I'd advise getting some red meat so as not to annoy her. But since I love annoying her, you're gonna get the soup plus a large salad!" he said, writing it down and beaming. "With extra dead plants in it! And hey, I'll throw in a glass of tomato juice just to irritate her even more," he said, grabbing the menus. "Call me if you need anything – my name's the Joker, so just holler," he said, winking at them and heading off to the kitchen.

"Selina, this isn't funny," growled Bruce once Joker was well out of earshot. "I don't like being surrounded by criminals when I'm off-duty, and I especially don't like being waited on by my nemesis! You know he's gonna have some stupid, violent gag to end this whole joke, don't you?"

"Relax, Bruce," retorted Selina. "It's nothing Batman can't handle, is it?" she asked, grinning at him.

Bruce growled again but said nothing, resuming his usual, pleasant expression as another patron entered the Iceberg Lounge. This was a woman glamorously dressed in a white jacket and red dress, with long dark hair and huge, round dark sunglasses over her eyes.

"Welcome to the Iceberg Lounge, madam," said Penguin, bowing. "Table for one?"

"Two," she replied in a thick, valley-girl accent, taking off her gloves. "I'm expecting my boyfriend to join me shortly."

"Of course, madam. Right this way," he said, leading her over to another empty table opposite Bruce and Selina. The woman barely took any notice of them, casually looking around the room.

"The waiter should be here shortly," said Penguin, his smile looking forced as he glanced toward the kitchen. "J!" he called. "J, customer!"

"Just a second, Pengers – I'm helping Harvey cook while he restrains Pammie!" called back Joker. Penguin heard screaming and struggling from the kitchen, and sighed.

"Just a moment, my dear," he said, smiling apologetically at the woman. "Honestly, you hear stories in Blackgate about how bad things are at Arkham, but you don't believe them…" he muttered.

He threw open the door to the kitchen where Two-Face was holding down a screaming and struggling Ivy while Joker cackled gleefully, holding up a chili pepper and slowly cutting pieces off it.

"I told you not to attack each other!" roared Penguin, grabbing the chili away from Joker.

"No, you told me and Pammie not to attack each other," retorted Joker. "Didn't mention Harvey at all."

"She looks like she's trying to attack you," retorted Penguin.

"I'm trying to save my baby from being chopped into tiny pieces by that maniac!" roared Ivy. "What the hell is wrong with you, you sick freak?!"

"You want a list?" chuckled Joker. "Believe me, a chili pepper is nowhere near the worst thing I've chopped into tiny pieces!"

"Pamela, come with me!" snapped Penguin, grabbing her arm. "Stay out of the kitchen while Harvey is cooking – you'll be allowed back in when there are dishes to wash!"

"I can still feel their pain even if I can't see it, y'know!" snapped Ivy.

"Well, try to distract yourself by looking at the seals," retorted Penguin, shoving her toward the lake in the middle of the restaurant. "Joker, customer, now!"

Joker headed over to the woman, smiling. "Afternoon, sweetheart. What can I get you?"

"Mmm, you can let me get to know the cute waiter better, sugar," she purred. "What time do you get off, cutie? I'd like to service you, if you get my meaning."

Joker chuckled. "I do, toots! And I don't blame you, really – I'm quite the catch, and flattered, but spoken for. Got a girlfriend, and I'm kinda a one-woman loon, y'know. Committed for life, that's me!"

"Good answer, puddin'," purred the woman, raising her sunglasses to reveal big, blue eyes, and smiling.

He smiled back. "Harley?" he murmured.

"How do ya like my disguise?" she asked.

"It's great, pooh – I barely recognized you!" he chuckled.

"Yeah, Pengers didn't, or I knew he wouldn't have let me in," she said. "But how about we have some fun now that we're reunited, Mr. J?"

"Aw, I'd love to, pooh, but Pengers has got this mind control thing from Hatty," sighed Joker. "I can only do what he or his customers tell me, and he's told me I gotta behave. So no mayhem, sadly."

"Maybe not," agreed Harley, grinning. "But I'm a customer, ain't I, Mr. J?"

He grinned too. "Only if you order something, pumpkin."

"Grape soda, please," she said. "Hurry back and you'll get a tip," she said, spanking him playfully.

"You little minx," he growled. "When I come back, you'd better have some fun commands for me."

"Oh, I will, puddin'," she replied, smiling.

"J, soup's up," said Two-Face as Joker returned to the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah, take it over to the cat lady, will ya?" asked Joker, brushing past him and heading for the refrigerator. "I gotta get a grape soda."

Two-Face shrugged, heading into the restaurant and carrying the tray with the soup and drinks over to Bruce and Selina's table.

"Harvey?" gasped Bruce, astonished.

"Hey, Bruce, what a pleasant surprise!" said Two-Face, smiling. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh…on a lunch date…what are you doing here?" asked Bruce, slowly.

"Same as J – community service," retorted Two-Face, placing down the drinks and the bowl of soup. "Though frankly, it's just slave labor given a fancy name. I can't believe things have slipped so far in city hall since my days as DA that something like this is actually legal. I never would have made criminals suffer this indignity – I mean, keeping us all locked up in Arkham together with the likes of Nygma is bad enough, but this is really beyond the limit. Have a word with the mayor when you leave, will ya?"

He returned to the kitchen with Bruce staring after him. "Well, now I feel like I have to leave a good tip," he muttered, dipping his spoon into the soup.

The moment his tongue touched the soup, he instantly dropped the spoon, gasping for breath as heat rushed to his face. "Bruce, what is it?" asked Selina, concerned, as Bruce grabbed his glass and drained all the tomato juice, and then drained all of Selina's milk.

"Chilies!" he gasped. "Really…hot…chilies!"

"I'll get some water," said Selina, standing up and racing toward the kitchen. "Harvey, what did you put in Bruce's soup?!" she demanded, grabbing a glass and filling it.

"Nothing," he retorted. "Just what the recipe said! Two whole chilies…" He trailed off. "Oh...it actually says half a whole chili…and then I doubled the two to four, of course…God, is he ok?" he said, racing out of the kitchen with Selina.

Bruce was not ok. He had been gasping for air when his chair was suddenly seized, whirled around, and kicked into the lake of the Iceberg Lounge. "That's for eating my babies!" shrieked Ivy from the railing, watching as Bruce floundered among the seals, who saw him as a new toy and began head-butting him.

Meanwhile Penguin, who had rushed over at the sound of the commotion, suddenly smelled something burning. "Did you leave something in the oven, Harvey?" he asked.

"I don't think so…" began Two-Face, but the mystery was solved suddenly as a lit grenade with a smiling face on it landed on the iceberg in the middle of the lake.

"Take cover!" shouted Penguin, and everyone dived under tables just in time. The grenade exploded, sending the iceberg and most of the ceiling crashing into the lake. Bruce barely managed to avoid falling debris, but the tidal wave created by the explosion sent most of the lake flooding into the restaurant, soaking everyone who crouched under the tables. The seals and penguins also flopped out of the water, some colliding with the people under the tables. Penguin pushed a seal out of the way with an annoyed grunt, standing up in slow horror to survey the damage.

The roof and iceberg, what remained of them both anyway, was still smoking and burning. He looked around to see everyone else emerging from under the tables, mercifully unscathed, although he glared at Ivy as she kicked a penguin away from her across the room.

They suddenly heard familiar sounds from a familiar voice coming from underneath one of the tables, and it suddenly all became clear to Penguin who had caused this mischief.

"Oooooh! Oh, puddin'! Right there! Oh, Mr. J, you're such a bad, naughty waiter!"

"Whaddya mean, pumpkin? I'm delivering to my girl just what she ordered!" giggled another voice.

"Mmm, it's too bad we already had…oh…an explosion because your Harley's engine…oooh…is about to explode too!"

"Come out from under there at once!" squawked Penguin, trying to retain his dignity and look stern, despite his soaked clothes.

"Just a second, Pengers!" giggled Joker. "Customer gave me an order, and I can't stop before I've done what she told me to do, can I, pooh?"

"You'd better not, pudd…oh…oh…oh, that's it, Mr. J! OH PUDDIN', YES!" she shrieked at an earsplitting pitch which, to top off everything, actually shattered the windows that hadn't been blown out by the explosion.

Penguin uncovered his ears at last, looking around grimly. "This is going to cost me billions to repair," he muttered. "And my insurance doesn't cover acts of supervillainism – no insurance company in Gotham will cover that."

He sighed again as Joker and Harley both emerged from under the table, looking very pleased with themselves. Penguin grabbed Joker's tie and ripped it off him. "For gross misconduct with the customers and acts of terrorism, you're fired!" he hissed.

"Yes!" exclaimed Joker, throwing up his hands and beaming. "Knew it would work, pooh! Great job on smuggling in those grenades!"

"Where did you keep…actually, I don't want to know," said Penguin, hastily. He approached Two-Face and ripped his tie off as well. "For trying to poison my customers, you're fired!"

"You can't fire slaves, Pengers," growled Two-Face. "But I'll happily take my freedom. This all serves you right, y'know."

Penguin ignored him, coming over to where Selina was helping Bruce climb out of the remains of the lake, while Ivy watched smugly. "You're also fired, Miss Isley," he snapped. "I won't suffer assaults on my customers, even on those so deserving of one as Bruce Wayne," he muttered under his breath. "Let me offer my sincerest apologies, Mr. Wayne…"

"Skip it, Cobblepot," muttered Bruce, wringing out his jacket. "I'm not gonna sue you or anything – you're gonna need all the money you can get to repair this dump."

"That's…very generous, Mr. Wayne," said Penguin, slightly surprised. "I commend you for your forgiving spirit."

"Yeah, well, I'm not a guy who holds a grudge," muttered Bruce. "C'mon, Selina," he said, heading for the door and making a mental note that the next time Two-Face, Poison Ivy, or Joker committed a crime, to not let Batman go easy on any of them.


	6. Chapter 6

Jonathan Crane was reading in his cell, enjoying a good book and a cup of tea, two of his favorite pleasures in a life that had contained few pleasures. It made him appreciate these moments of tranquility all the more, however, he thought with a relaxing sigh as he took a sip of tea and flipped the page.

"Oh, professor!" moaned a familiar voice from inside his cell. Crane started up suddenly, shocked and enraged.

"Joker!" he roared. "Joker, turn that off right now! Where is it?" he demanded, tearing up his cell and ripping off the mattress on his bed, hunting frantically for the source of the noise.

The moaning kept coming, and Crane stormed from his cell in a fury, determined to find the Joker and make him stop. "Joker!" he roared, but his cell was empty.

And then another noise joined the moans – the sound of pained cries from another familiar voice. "Jervis!" gasped Crane, racing over to his cell. "Joker, let him go!" he shouted, seeing the situation in Tetch's cell.

Joker had trapped Tetch's arms behind his back, holding him by the neck and slamming his face repeatedly against the button that activated the recording in Crane's cell, laughing hysterically.

"Joker, let him go!" repeated Crane, trying to shove him away.

"You want another swirly, freak?" demanded Joker. "I'm dispensing justice here! Just giving Hatty what he deserves for giving Pengers a mind control device that he used on me!"

"I didn't know…he intended to use it on you!" cried Tetch. "He told me it was for his penguins! Some kind of scheme to mind control them into taking bombs into Gotham Square at Christmas and blowing it up!"

"He already tried that one in the nineties!" snapped Joker. "How dumb do you think he is to try the same scheme twice?"

"But…you always try the same schemes," replied Tetch.

Joker sighed, tightening his grip around Tetch's neck. "You just don't get it, do you, Tetchy?" he demanded, slamming him into the button again. "Anyway, ignorance of the law is no excuse, that's what they tell me. You still gotta be punished for it, even if you know nothing about it. That's certainly Batsy's philosophy anyway…"

"He's just in here, Dr. Leland," said the guards, appearing suddenly on the scene with a furious-looking Dr. Leland in tow.

"You have ruined another of my diets, Joker, congratulations!" she snapped as the guards pulled Tetch away from Joker. "Take Mr. Tetch to the infirmary, and find that recording in Crane's cell. The real recording this time!" she called after the guards.

"You know you don't need to be on a diet, Doc – you're a foxy lady," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm just saving you from depriving yourself of tasty treats for a pointless exercise. You should be thanking me."

Dr. Leland forced a smile. "Y'know, you're right, Joker. I should," she agreed. "Let me thank you properly. Come with me."

Joker followed her out of the cell block and into the elevator that led to the asylum's lower floors. "You know, that whole community service project gave me an idea of my own," said Dr. Leland as they walked down the hall. "Seems to me that while some of you are rehabilitating yourselves here in Arkham, you could also be helpful in fixing the staff shortages that you create by your constant, violent escape attempts."

"Fixing how?" asked Joker, confused. "Guarding ourselves would be pretty crazy…"

"Oh, not guards," interrupted Dr. Leland. "At the moment we're short some janitorial staff."

She swiped a keycard that opened the iron door to a huge, cavernous room, and Joker was immediately assaulted by a strong, unpleasant stench. "Killer Croc's cell needs a good clean out," said Dr. Leland, gesturing inside. "Get to it."

Joker opened his mouth to protest, but found he couldn't. "Oh, and I asked Tetch for another of his mind control devices before you got to him, so you can't refuse," said Dr. Leland, smiling. "You just have to do what I say, for once."

"Uh…sorry in advance, J," muttered Killer Croc. "It's…uh…quite a mess in here."

Dr. Leland smiled at the horrified expression on Joker's face. "Have fun, Joker," she said, clapping him on the back and shoving him into the cell.

She slammed the door and headed back up in the elevator, whistling. She returned to her office and then buzzed her intercom. "Ann? Please get me a Philly cheesesteak for lunch."

 **The End**


End file.
